If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Beauty and the Beast
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.