The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
The news in a nutshell.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why