The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
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A dad and his duck
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.