‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean