@_davidlucas_

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

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@LlamaInaTux

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

@AmishPornStar1

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

@SardonicTart

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

@PFitzpa

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

@Parentpains

If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.

@saltymamas

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

@robdelaney

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

@internetluke

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”

“…”
Vibrate?

@DaHess1

You say drug dealer.

I say astute, urban entrepreneur embracing the booming chemical escapism market.

@TeeJayRush

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…