obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
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I’d do the same thing
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…