Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.
You Might Also Like
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Cop: this him?
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy?
Me: 7 years
7y: how long have you got left?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.
“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.
“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.