It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
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Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.