The sign at the McDonald’s I just passed says “We hiring” in case you’re wondering what kind of qualifications you need to have to be hired.

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Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me


Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00


“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee


My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.


Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.


Having children really brought me and my wife closer together.

We have a common enemy now.


“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods


*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.


CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.