Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
And then there were 4
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
work smarter, not harder
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t