The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
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The 4 stages of a family vacation
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans