@HeyZeus666

The sign said ‘Free Range Chickens’. So, I took some.

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@AimeeHelene1

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

@TweetPotato314

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

@mela_shea

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

@AimeeHelene1

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

@oscarewilde

kate bush: [running up that road]
me, a personal trainer: okay
kate bush: [running up that hill]
me: alright
kate bush: [running up that building]
me: kate

@pixelatedboat

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

@girlontapas

Think you had a bad childhood?

Wait until you see what adulthood has to offer.

@CatherineLMK

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

@SequelsWeWant

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep