(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!
*all the adults start screaming*
The sign said ‘Free Range Chickens’. So, I took some.
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me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
kate bush: [running up that road]
me, a personal trainer: okay
kate bush: [running up that hill]
kate bush: [running up that building]
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Think you had a bad childhood?
Wait until you see what adulthood has to offer.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep