my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
You Might Also Like
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.