@PopSlapFunk

The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.

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@normwilner

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

@JeremyMcLellan

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

@juneohara65

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

@rcromwell4

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

@LuvPug

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

@gregreckons

Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!

Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?

@IndecisiveJones

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*