@PopSlapFunk

The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.

The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.

- @PopSlapFunk

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@Marlebean

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

@Lisabug74

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

@ArfMeasures

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

@TheWeirdWorld

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

@QwertyJones3

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

@PaulGibson1963

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

@DiamondLou69

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

@FrenulumBreve

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

@apowerfulbird

boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that