@Marlebean Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
@PopSlapFunk The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.
The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.
- @PopSlapFunk
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@Marlebean 
@Lisabug74 “Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
@ArfMeasures Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
@robots_feel her: my baby was 8 pounds
me: oh you bought a british one?
@TheWeirdWorld One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
@QwertyJones3 [gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
@PaulGibson1963 Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
@DiamondLou69 Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
@FrenulumBreve *Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
@apowerfulbird boss: teamwork is very important
workers: [unionize]
boss: not like that