Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
You Might Also Like
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Two types of dogs.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.