Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
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just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.