the simulation is moving too fast

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[having girl over]
me: I work from home
her: I thought u were a wildlife photographer
*loud lion noises from bedroom*
me: ignore that


I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair


Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”


ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough


wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600


“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”


Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.


The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.


[First date]
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”