the simulation is moving too fast
You Might Also Like
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.