Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime.
Alfred: You’re a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen-
Bruce: No I wanna punch people.
the simulation is moving too fast
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Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I hope all the friends I’ve made in the bathroom at 1am are still SO pretty and everything worked out with that boy they were drunk texting
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The road to hell is paved.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
*gets on 1 knee*
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?