@70Ceeks

the simulation is moving too fast

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@Jim_Capie

Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime.
Alfred: You’re a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen-
Bruce: No I wanna punch people.

@WilliamRodgers

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

@dariatbh

I hope all the friends I’ve made in the bathroom at 1am are still SO pretty and everything worked out with that boy they were drunk texting

@DearAuntAbby

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

@Dawn_M_

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

@Mom_Overboard

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

@TheBabylonBee

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

@internetluke

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

@KizerBillhelm

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?