The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
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“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Found my door mat
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
incredible book dedication
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?