@SeniorTeenager

The six stages

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@shesananteater

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

@meganamram

If you count a little kid on another kid’s shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends

@MrSpoonicorn

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

@heatherlou_

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

@portmanteauface

ME: there’s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means

THEM:

ME:

THEM: werewolf Jesus?

ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus

@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

@NorCalBratt

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.