“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
ME: Are these your kids in this photo on your desk?
BOSS: Yep, Shaun and Kendra
ME: *taking out phone* I’ll show you my kids, Whiskers and Meowly Cyrus
BOSS: Uh, cats aren’t kids
ME: I don’t have any cats
I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?
– dogs, maybe
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.