Can I donate fat instead of blood?
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You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
If you count a little kid on another kid’s shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
ME: thereâ€™s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means
THEM: werewolf Jesus?
ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.