The six stages

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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy


My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.


Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.


I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.


“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance


ME: Are these your kids in this photo on your desk?

BOSS: Yep, Shaun and Kendra

ME: *taking out phone* I’ll show you my kids, Whiskers and Meowly Cyrus

BOSS: Uh, cats aren’t kids

ME: I don’t have any cats


I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?

– dogs, maybe


If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar