The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
OMG 🤣🤣
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it