the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

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Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.


[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?


First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?


roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”


I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said “yes” and I’m completely lost, I’ve never played the game like this before.


Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.


Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”


I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.