@perfectsweeties

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

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@sir_shithead_I

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

@david8hughes

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

@FU_TangClan

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

@KeetPotato

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

@WeissBrandon

I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said “yes” and I’m completely lost, I’ve never played the game like this before.

@StarWarsProblms

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

@katy_baybay

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.