The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
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hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.