@TwinSurvivalist

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

You Might Also Like

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

@WilliamAder

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

@simoncholland

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

@LemmingDad

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@KissabiX

[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?

@feverboner

I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”

@drinksmcgee

Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.