The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
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I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Sign of the day..
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
men are simple creatures
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.