the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

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“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob


ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
ME: shhhh….
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.


Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.


6, that’s SIX, people emailed everyone at work with the SAME information which has resulted in 48 replies and now I wanna quit my job.


While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.


me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”


HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid?

Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid.


Me: There’s no past tense with that one.


I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love