the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
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My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Incredible customer service.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.