@paulrust

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

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@robdelaney

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

@zacharyflynn

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

@golubeerji

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

@Coolisiana

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

@aparnapkin

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

@LurkAtHomeMom

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

@thequeensheart

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!