The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
bro what is going on at twitter
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it