Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!