The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Legend 🤣🤣
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.