The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
You Might Also Like
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?