[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
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Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe