Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
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Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
not to brag, but mine was free
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*checks Timeline*…
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.