The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
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Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ