Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
If you can’t kill them with kindness
A shovel will do
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!