The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
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It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Why is no one talking about this?!
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.