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Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?


Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”


*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*


Stop saying I’m my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he’s curried such favor with father


Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.


Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.


Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.


Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?

That’s cool.

Here, hold this grenade.