waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
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Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
hackers play passwordle