@suntzufuntzu: The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn't mind if you don't click the ads, it just hopes they please you.
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@girlontapas: I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth. So who's the hero now?
@mynameisntdave: GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do? [flash forward to me hitting the pianist's piano with my car] ME: car his keys.
@Scarlet_Rose67: Me: I have a younger sister but she's nothing like me. Him: Wow, she sounds perfect.
@lunchmane: [pearly gates] ME: whoa JESUS: sup bro! Welcome M: have you... always had a- J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let's weigh that heart