@suntzufuntzu

The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn’t mind if you don’t click the ads, it just hopes they please you.

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@dethbycofee

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

@WVUPRT

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

@DirtMcTurd

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

@heymermaid

Stop saying I’m my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he’s curried such favor with father

@sarahyehia82

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

@Staggfilms

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

@TattleTSister

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

@NervousJr

Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?

That’s cool.

Here, hold this grenade.