the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
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Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
How it started How it’s going
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks