My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
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[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”