The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

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That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.


An actual conversation between me and a girl I was “dating” in 6th grade


Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”


My girlfriend said that sex is better on vacation. That wasn’t the postcard I was expecting.


Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.


[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.


Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.


Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?


Me: Do a puzzle?


Me: Paint?


Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]