@Adam_Kingsnorth

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

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@sarcasticmommy4

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

@WarrenHolstein

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

@MrTimothyClark

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

@mamapjs1

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

@heiditron3000

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?