The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.