@Adam_Kingsnorth

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

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@NYC_Blonde

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

@tomhanksrva

An actual conversation between me and a girl I was “dating” in 6th grade

@SpenceDen

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

@BartenderMB

My girlfriend said that sex is better on vacation. That wasn’t the postcard I was expecting.

@Elifcello

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

@gorrdano

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]