The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

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My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.


AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless


Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.


How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.


Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds


Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana


Me : I wanna go home
Boss: where’s your dedication?
Me : I left it at home can I go get it ?


When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:


Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.