My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?
Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me : I wanna go home
Boss: where’s your dedication?
Me : I left it at home can I go get it ?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.