The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.