@PaulChimko

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

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@TheZachCozad

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@ThisLocalHater

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

@sarcasticmommy4

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

@vikkaroni

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

@nPhelendriqal

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

@LilBlueBlood

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

@Bob_Heller

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

@cravin4

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.