The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.


I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now


We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.


[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille


There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried


Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..


Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car


“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc


Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.