Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
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I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
There are four main food groups:
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.