The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
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*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
went fishing caught a bass
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.