Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
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Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
As a Canadian my first objective is to protect the poutine
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose