The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I already tried new things thanks.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.