@AlexRogaski

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

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@wolfpupy

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

@shkeeber

Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could’ve just gone outside and saved yourself $50.

@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

@looktothepickle

Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!

Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!

@lwhit_the_boss

I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it’s “adorable,” but if I do, I’m “causing a disturbance” and “need to leave”? Whatever.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

@LindaInDisguise

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

@ibid78

Say no to drugs. Say yes to the dress. Say anything to John Cusack. Say you say me to Lionel Richie. Say say say to Paul McCartney.