The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

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why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha


Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could’ve just gone outside and saved yourself $50.


God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.


I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.


Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE


Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!

Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!


I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it’s “adorable,” but if I do, I’m “causing a disturbance” and “need to leave”? Whatever.


him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses


*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”


Say no to drugs. Say yes to the dress. Say anything to John Cusack. Say you say me to Lionel Richie. Say say say to Paul McCartney.