The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
You Might Also Like
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀