the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn鈥檛 stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we鈥檇 all be a lot skinnier.
If your nose ain鈥檛 running and your eyes ain鈥檛 crying, it鈥檚 not a good curry!
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn鈥檛
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn鈥檛
Me: That鈥檚 not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn鈥檛
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.馃榿
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it鈥檚 like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn鈥檛 you recommend it sooner?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: If there鈥檚 Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn鈥檛 wear glasses?
Therapist: I鈥檓 going to increase your medication
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.