The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.


June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”


Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel


Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.


When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.


Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.


Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him


Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’