@RodLacroix

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

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@UncleDuke1969

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

@oxygenplug

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

@TesstifyBarker

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

@huntigula

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

@MooseAllain

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

@laurenduca

It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!

@LeBearGirdle

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!