Real Road Signs
(What they mean)
(Unattended orange cone zone)
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
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I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Your search – Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat – did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Driving back from funeral yesterday:
Stairway To Heaven
Tears In Heaven
Highway To Hell
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you