@RodLacroix

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

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@ravenswng_

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

@Tmoney68

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

@ZiziFothSi

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

@Marcmywords2

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

@TheFearBoners

When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.

@KateWhineHall

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

@Curt__Burt

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

@Illiter8

Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’