[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
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Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
How did we not see this back then?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?