The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”

You Might Also Like


I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.


Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!


Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.


Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.


When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.


I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’


“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan


if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too


Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open