@Tups13

The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”

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@DirtyMelodies

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

@TitansHomer

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

@Sassafrantz

Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.

@WilliamAder

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

@funflaps

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

@jollyrobber

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

@Book_Krazy

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

@everygirI

if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too

@ieatanddrink

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open