The store said to "holla" if I needed help, so crying, I got on the intercom and started screaming "I need wine" & "Save me from these kids, Jesus". And that's how I got banned from Target.

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend

Woman: The bees are dying.

random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you.

Do you have any cookies?

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets