[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend
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Woman: The bees are dying.
random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you.
Do you have any cookies?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.