If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
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I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
they split up moments later
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
dam girl
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided