The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
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People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
There is wisdom there.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.