The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
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If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*