The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

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Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys


[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present


Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”


Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me


Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.


In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’


[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim


if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed



Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.