@rickolantern

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

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@pregnant_cat

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

@TweetsByKaylee

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

@NoogsCorner

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

@jsaffle1

Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me

@RowdyBowden

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

@ashlar36

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@tony_ferraro7

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

@RiotGrlErin

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.