The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
i love modern commerce
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.