The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
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I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade