The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?