The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
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[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged