The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
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I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.